Second Life: Helping You to be Virtually Unfaithful Since 2003

26/04/2010 CarolynS 45 comments

With the introduction of the internet, virtual communities have sprung up left, right and centre utilizing a variety of technologies from Internet Relay Chat (IRC) to discussion boards to virtual worlds. These virtual communities allow people with similar interests and hobbies to connect crossing geographical boundaries, which previously restricted traditional communities. But what happens when relationships formed in these communities cross other boundaries?

Since the launch of the internet, stories of online indiscretions have frequented conversations and sometimes even news headlines, such as the divorce of Laura Skye and Dave Balmy due to an online affair (Adams, 2008). Due to the anonymity of the internet, users are easily able to abandon their real life identity, and escape into a virtual world where none of their real life troubles, such as family, money and work, can bother them. Web 2.0 applications and Communities such as Second Life provide the platform for people to connect with like minded individuals, and what seems like an innocent friendship at first can cross that boundary to become an intimate emotionally charged virtual affair.

Virtual worlds and communities, such as Second Life, provide a utopia where a user can create and live in a better version of their current life, where they are fully in control of their surroundings and environment. As stated in the Official Second Life Guide, “Second Life gives you the freedom to pursue your dreams and interests. For some residents, this means having as much virtual sex as possible…” (Rosedale, 2007, p 13). A user only needs to reveal as much about their real life persona as they wish, and likewise, can be discreet regarding their avatars experiences with their real life loved ones. This hidden world can present the perfect “… opportunity for inhibition-free sexual creativity, exploration, or foreplay …” (Gillies, 2008, p. 29) for users, regardless of their real life involvements or commitments.

This paper will present the risks involved in assuming this ‘better you’, relinquishing your real life identity and immersing yourself in the Second Life virtual world, focusing on the damage that can be dealt to real life as a consequence of online relationships. To demonstrate this argument, the world of Second Life as a community will be explored, the connection between the user and his or her avatar, establish the connection between Second Life and the ACE Model for Cybersexual Addiction and finally confirm the prevalence and impact of virtual infidelity.

SECOND LIFE: WHAT IS IT?

Virtual communities can be formed for various reasons – from cancer support groups, to car fanatics, to role playing. In the latter category is the 3D virtual world of Second Life, also categorized as a Massively Multiplayer Online Social Game (MMOSG), which has over 18 million members worldwide (Yokosuka, 2010). Similar to Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games (MMORPG) such as World of Warcraft or EVE, Second Life is a community which allows you to interact with other players via your custom made avatar, however there are no quests, levels or fights to complete. Launched in June 2003, Second Life was created by Linden Labs, as a virtual role playing world where the role you are playing is fundamentally a glamorized version of real life.

“A place to be
Be different
Be Yourself
Free yourself
Free your mind
Change your mind
Change your look
Love your look
Love your life”
- Linden Research, Inc.

Restricted to ages 18 and above, people can create a tailored avatar to represent themselves, while they go about their day of working, shopping, socializing and exploring in this virtual community. People regularly come into contact and interact with other residents, form friendships and relationships and may even fall in love.

In Second Life, there are online wedding ceremonies available, where you can invite guests, hire a wedding planner, and even write your own vows for that special online someone. When things take a turn for the worse, you can hire a private investigator to follow your estranged spouse, to discover things which may eventually lead to an online divorce. Second Life is intended to be exactly that – your second life where you can do everything you’ve ever wanted in your real life, without the restraints of your race, colour, culture, religion, gender, sexual orientation or even your current marital status. As Philip Rosedale, CEO and Founder of Linden Labs, states, Second Life is “… a place where you can turn the pictures in your head into a kind of pixilated reality.” (Rosedale, 2007, p. iv)

ME, MYSELF AND MY AVATAR

The ability to create a new identity can be appealing to some users as they can see Second Life as a chance to be a better version of themselves, or live a better life. As Turkle (1994) explains, players use these virtual worlds to remake the self, where you can “be what you pretend to be”. Essentially, Second Life is providing users with the tools to create an improved version of themselves, and live a life they have previously only dreamed about.

A recent study in Second Life confirmed this, showing that a majority of users created avatars that were similar to their actual real world appearance, but slightly embellished and improved; “In particular, participants responded that they tend to make their avatar’s body, hair-style, and clothing somewhat more attractive than those related attributes of their real self” (Bone et al, 2009). This is supported by Ducheneaut et al’s (2009) research that states one of the conceptual factors when creating an avatar, is the idealized self, “the idealized self factor includes two questions: (1) I make avatars that are idealized versions of myself and (2) I make avatars that have features that I wish I could have in real life.” The study conducted by Bone et al (2009) also found that the general behavior of avatars in Second Life were more extroverted, outgoing and daring than their real life counterparts.

In Second Life, you can customize your avatars height, weight, hair, facial features and clothing. With these sorts of options, most characters look as if they have just stepped out of a fashion magazine – it is not often you come across a frumpy, middle aged housewife. This can be extremely hard for loved ones in the real world, who feel they have to contend with the flawless and unrealistic representations that have stolen their partners’ attentions. Sue Hoogestraat, whose husband spends up to 14 hours at a time with his virtual wife in Second Life, admits it feels like being a widow, and that “this other life is so wonderful; it’s better than real life. Nobody gets fat, nobody gets gray. The person that’s left can’t compete with that.” (Alter, 2007)

THE ACE MODEL – EXECUTION AND MOTIVATION FOR CYBER AFFAIRS

“Imagine a husband, who would never walk into an adult bookstore, finding that he could download online pornography cheaply, quickly, and without detection. Picture a wife, who would never pick up the telephone to dial a 900 number, who discovers almost by chance that she can engage in erotic chat or phone sex with men she met online apparently free of observation.” (Buchanan et al., 2000, p61) These are the sort of obstacles that couples of today are faced with – the ease, ambiguity and inexpensiveness of extramarital sexual gratification.

The ACE Model for Cybersexual Addiction is extremely useful for understanding online infidelities, and the potential explanations. It is composed of three aspects: Anonymity, convenience and escapism.

Anonymity
The ability to discreetly explore and interact in the virtual world as a nameless connection, restraining how much or how little information you reveal regarding your true identity makes anonymity one of the biggest benefits of the internet. Anonymity can reduce inhibitions, allowing “… users to secretly engage in erotic chats without the fear of being caught by a spouse … anonymity provides the user with a greater sense of perceived control over the content, tone, and nature of the online experience” (Buchanan et al, 2000, p. 62). This apparent control the user has provides a more comfortable feeling, leading to more upfront and candid communication, eventually coaxing more honest and personal conversation. This accelerated formation of a bond can then lead to a dangerously intimate association.

Convenience
Programs and software such as Second Life provide the channel to meet other like minded individuals on the internet, whether they are geographically close or on the other side of the world. These virtual communities can be accessed from just about anywhere at any time, from the comfort of the computer room or even the bathroom, lounge room or verandah. These familiar locations can provide a sense of security, and reduce the feeling of anxiety and risk usually associated with extramarital indiscretions.

Escapism
One of the main motivations for any type of virtual reality, whether it is a virtual world or a MMORPG, is the sensation of escape. Participants are able to use “the online environment to avoid thinking about real life problems,” (Yee, 2007, p.774) as the “virtual worlds provide a highly interactive, three-dimensional, international, computer driven extension of the same escapism that society has historically sought through movies, plays, books, games, rock and roll concerts, television shows, and other forms of entertainment.” (Gillies, 2008, p.122). In the virtual world, users can be the rock star, sports player or hero that they always dreamed they would be, they can use a virtual world to escape their ‘failures’ of the real world. In other words, users surrender themselves to this virtual world in an attempt to live in an environment more controllable, where the ‘broken’ elements of the real world, such as relationships and marriages, are fixed or nonexistent.

The ACE Model clearly sums up the ease of execution, via anonymity and convenience that the internet has provided online philanderers with. Although motivations can vary, escapism is repeatedly addressed as a top reason for online interactions. Second Life provides a method for users to anonymously chat and interact with other like minded people conveniently from the comfort of their own home or office, at a time that suits them, and enjoy the feeling of escape from the real world.

IS VIRTUAL CHEATING REALLY CHEATING?

The Oxford Dictionary defines the act of being unfaithful as ‘engaging in sexual relations with a person other than one’s lover or spouse’ (AskOxford.com, 2010). According to this definition, having a significant other in Second Life, getting married and moving in together and even indulging in cyber relations, is not classified as cheating. However, many argue that the emotional betrayal and neglect is more devastating than any physical indiscretions. As Charlie (2009) states, “emotional intimacy is often much deeper and more meaningful that [sic] mere sex, and since an [sic] strong emotional connection can be developed online, it is quite possible for someone to engage in online infidelity without ever touching the third party.” Whitty (2005) supports this, with the argument “… although there are no physical bodies present online, this, in turn, does not mean that the action is unreal.” Although deemed as a different type of adultery, online infidelity is as hurtful and significant as an offline affair.

The much publicized divorce of ‘Laura Skye’ and ‘Dave Barmy’ in the United Kingdom in late 2008 reiterates the betrayal felt as a result of online infidelity. Amy Taylor, the woman behind the avatar Laura Skye, filed for divorce from David Pollard (Barmy) after twice catching his Second Life character with another avatar. Taylor told of her anguish to Time (2008), “I looked at the computer screen and could see his character having sex with a female character. It’s cheating as far as I’m concerned.”

CONCLUSION

With the rapid progression of the internet, the offline world and ways of thinking sometimes appear to have trouble keeping up. Every day, the internet is finding new and interesting ways of testing our morals, beliefs and ethics. While virtual communities appear to have an innocent purpose, they can provide the means for more sinister intentions. Online adultery existed long before the launch of Second Life, however the MMOSG’s ability to help its residents create a new identity and live a ‘better life as a better you’, as well as the anonymity, convenience and escape can provide the catalyst for an otherwise happy marriage to suffer the betrayal, deceit and uncertainty that comes in the wake of an online affair. Although the question of virtual unfaithfulness still remains, the betrayal felt after any type of infidelity can be shattering to the innocent party. As Charlie (2008) states, “Facilitating an affair via a keyboard doesn’t make it any less painful for the partner who has remained faithful.” Perhaps it’s time for the residents of Second Life to sit back from the computer screen, consider what gaps the virtual world is filling, and have a go at solving the problem back in ‘First Life’.

REFERENCES

Adams, W. (2008). UK Couple to Divorce over Affair on Second Life, TIME. Retrieved April 5, 2010, from http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1859231,00.html

Alter, A. (2007). Is This Man Cheating on His Wife?, The Wall Street Journal. Retrieved April 25, 2010, from http://digitalhive.blogs.com/digiblog/files/is_this_man_cheating_on_his_wife.pdf

AskOxford.com. (2010). Retrieved April 5, 2010, from http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/unfaithful?view=uk

Bone, M., Lyons, K., Messinger, P., Niu, R., Perelgut, S., Smirnov, K., Stroulia, E. (2009), Virtual worlds – past, present and future: New directions in social computing, Decision Support Systems, 47, 204-228. Retrieved April 25, 2010, from ScienceDirect.

Buchanan, J., Cooper, A., Griffiths-Shelley, E., O’Mara, J., Young, K. (2000), Cybersex and Infidelity Online: Implications for Evaluation and Treatment, Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 7(10), 59-74.

Charlie (2009). What is Online Infidelity? Does it really exist? Cheatcatcher. Retrieved April 5, 2010, from http://www.cheatcatcher.com/online-infidelity/

Ducheneaut, N., Wen, M., Yee, N., & Wadley, G. (2009). Body and mind: a study of avatar personalization in three virtual worlds. Proceedings of CHI 2009. Retrieved April 25, 2010, from http://www.nickyee.com/pubs/Ducheneaut,%20Wen,%20Yee,%20Wadley%20-%20CHI%202009.pdf

Gillies, I. (2008). Real World Toys and Currency Turn the Legal World Upside Down: A Cross-Sectional Update on Virtual World Legalities. International Journal of Communications Law & Policy, 12, 120-139. Retrieved April 5, 2010, from http://www.ijclp.net/files/ijclp_web-doc_6-12-2008.pdf

Linden Research, Inc. What is Second Life?(Introductory video) Retrieved April 5, 2010, from http://secondlife.com/whatis/?lang=en-US

Rosedale, Philip. (2007). Forward. Second Life: The Official Guide. By Michael Rymaszewski, Wagner James Au, Mark Wallace, Catherine Winters. Dorothy Sayers and Barbara Reynolds. Indianapolis: Wiles Publishing, Inc. pp. IV-V

Rymaszewski, et al., (2007). Second Life: The Official Guide. Indianapolis: Wiles Publishing, Inc.

Turkle, S. (1994). Constructions and Reconstructions of Self in Virtual Reality: Playing in the MUDs. Mind, Culture, and Activity, 1(3), 158-167.

Whitty, M. (2005) The Realness of Cybercheating: Men’s and Women’s Representations of Unfaithful Internet Relationships. Social Science Computer Review. 23, 57-67.

Yee, N. (2007). Motivations of Play in Online Games. Journal of CyberPsychology and Behavior, 9, 772-775.

Yokosuka, T. (2010). Second Life Statistics. Retrieved April 5, 2010, from http://www.tigerbeatle.com/SlickMagazine/index.php/slick-topics/second-life-statistics.

SECOND LIFE: HELPING YOU TO BE VIRTUALLY UNFAITHFUL SINCE 2003 is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.

Communities and Web 2.0 avatars, Escapism, identity, MMOSG, Online Communities, online infidelity, relationships, Second Life, virtual cheating, virtual communities, virtual world

Edit in Admin

Comments

Written by porn sex about 1 month ago. Reply

The new Zune browser is surprisingly good, but not as good as the iPod’s. It works well, but isn’t as fast as Safari, and has a clunkier interface. If you occasionally plan on using the web browser that’s not an issue, but if you’re planning to browse the web alot from your PMP then the iPod’s larger screen and better browser may be important.
Written by uggs on sale about 1 month ago. Reply

Really this is an excellent post from an authority and thank you very much for sharing this unique information with us.
Written by fast food franchises about 2 months ago. Reply

Athletics Weekly will be at the Virgin London Marathon Expo this week. Come and visit us at stand 322, wed love to see you!
Written by location appartement about 2 months ago. Reply

hi les gens j’aime bien ce post mais l’ immobilier est mon probleme.
Written by Lee-Ann Khoh about 2 years ago. Reply

This is a really interesting paper. While we’re on the subject of online personas, I think that although Second Life and other virtual worlds make it much easier, a lot of people do take the opportunity to shape or reinvent their identities online, even if it’s as simple as only posting photos that present them in a certain way, or only listing their “cool” interests.

In my paper about cyberbullying, I talked about the concept of “disinhibition”, where people are more likely to do things online that they would not normally do offline, because they feel they are anonymous or that their online actions are less “real”. This probably applies to your paper too, and problems arise when the offline partner of someone having an online affair doesn’t share the same ideas about what’s real and what’s not. On the other hand, some people may be perfectly fine with their partners having a “fantasy” lover and not consider it cheating at all. I think people just need to be mindful of the boundaries within their own relationships and of who they might be hurting.
Written by KayeE about 2 years ago. Reply

Hi Carolyn – thanks for your article – it was very thought provoking and interesting to read. I too am one of those people that have never experienced second life. I can see the attraction though, as you say, “the ability to create a new identity can be appealing to some users”. I expect this is especially so for those who are not ‘happy’ with their life or wish for something better. Is is just a case of escapism or is it something more? You have prompted me to explore this more. As I see it real people are being affected in their real life by what happens in second life – scary thought.

Cheers,
Kaye
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Kaye,
  
  Too true – too often are people being affected in the offline world by what someone has done in the online world. I believe for the people who use it as an escape, who don’t intentionally go there to seek out other people for relationships or intimacy, that they are indeed ignoring problems that are present in their real lives.
  
  If you do end up looking into it more, keep me in the loop. Would love to know your thoughts.
  
  Carolyn.
Written by RosannaCandler about 2 years ago. Reply

Hello Carolyn

I first heard about Second Life- quite belatedly- through my university studies. I suppose because I learnt about it in the same week of discussion about the ever-confounding ‘Furries’, and that I have never used the program myself: it has always stuck in my mind as a rather phony pursuit.

Perhaps I am a little old-fashioned, but I can’t help thinking it is dangerous to immerse yourself in a supposed “utopia” where people can “create and live in a better version of their current life”. This is where insecurity comes to roost- and instead of facing reality and productively taking control of our real lives- Second Life allows users to mask their offline world for an online alternative. I am a pretty shy person, I was always the first one to blush and the last to speak up- but out of sheer necessity over the years I have had to overcome this in order to exist happily. It would have been so much easier to give up (in a sense) and say “It’s too hard, the world has cut me a bung deal, I’ll just build a new one”, log into Second /life and submerge myself in this ‘ideal world’, where I can control the things that make life difficult (I would never feel the blushing burn on my cheeks every time I was embarrassed, for example. My Second Life avatar would be continuously fresh-faced). I suppose this is my biggest issue with Second Life-it disregards and whitewashes some of the more difficult aspects of reality. But at the end of the day, it’s these challenges which make living worth it.
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Rosanna,
  
  I heard about Second Life a few years ago when my workplace was looking into the value of setting up an online presence there. I must say it dropped off my radar until now!
  
  I can see how Second Life can be a fun past time for casual residents or people who use it to keep in touch with friends or family in different locations, however it’s when people use it as an escape that I think it starts to get dangerous. They have to remember that it doesn’t matter how long you spend in your ‘better world’, once you log off, the problems in the real world are still there and waiting (and possibly amplified!).
  
  Cheers,
  Carolyn.
Written by Jocelyn Peucker about 2 years ago. Reply

Hey Caro

I’ve never played second life or any other MMORPG type games… I almost feel outdated However, I can understand why sometimes ppl feel a need to create a newer image of themselves, especially when the reflection in the real-life mirror changes

Your comment “Although the question of virtual unfaithfulness still remains, the betrayal felt after any type of infidelity can be shattering to the innocent party” is so true, not just in the online world, but especially when the online collides with the real-life. Recently a friend had received news through private email (inbox in FB), that her husband was having an affair. The person sending this information did not consider the impact it would have on the receiving person.

Some things, I believe, should be kept to real-life situations .. and face-to-face confrontations when dealing with emotions, reactions, affairs, and suspicions. Just my 2 cents worth. Great paper, I enjoyed reading it!

Cheers, Jocelyn
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Joce,
  
  Thanks for reading my paper and taking the time to comment! I can understand why people see the appeal of creating an idealized self, and leading a more glamorous life. However using a virtual world to escape from a real life problem can be harmful not just to yourself but to others around you.
  
  I totally agree with you – face to face interaction is the way to go in most situations. However, that can be easier said than done in a lot of situations!
  
  Glad you enjoyed my paper,
  Carolyn.
Written by 14379286 about 2 years ago. Reply

Your paper indeed presented a good argument whereby virtual communities can said to be a second life. You presented a good example in supporting your argument whereby people create customized avatars Certainly these avatars are a representation of a glamorized vision of the real life. I indeed agree with you on the fact that virtual communities can be described as a platform where one can be different, free your self, and your mind. This is clarity that there is a lot of deception on virtual communities this because once one tries to different deception of identification id inevitable. you also forwarded a good point whereby the majority of users created avatars that are relatively similar to they own selves but with a touch of exaggerated self.
(14379286) Tafadzwa
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi,
  
  Thanks for reading my paper and taking the time to comment!
  
  I found it quite interesting to read that most people do create an avatar as the idealized self, and not as a completely different person. To me it just reinforces the fact that there is a definite connection between the user and the avatar, and that what you do online is not completely without meaning.
  
  Carolyn.
Written by Sharlene about 2 years ago. Reply

I saw the title and also had to read this paper. It is interesting when something in the virtual world can affect your life in the real world. This paper illustrates how virtual communities can blur what people think is acceptable behaviour with virtual characters and what is not. I read a paper by Julian Dibbel called “A rape in cyberspace” that discussed the issue of what is covered by the law and what people think when something disturbing and obscene occurs and if the law should cover the virtual world. It is a very interesting paper and can be found at the following link http://www.juliandibbell.com/texts/bungle_vv.html
This paper highlights the legal issues that can arise and cross over from the virtual world and the real world and what may need to be in place to protect the people in both.
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Sharlene,
  
  Thanks for taking the time to comment on my paper! I’ve had a quick skim through that article and it seems quite interesting – as it was published quite some time ago (1993) it would be a good comparison to something more recent, such as HeidiN’s article regarding Facebook being used as evidence (link below). It would be interesting to see the thoughts and perceptions more than fifteen years apart!
  
  http://www.news.com.au/technology/divorce-lawyers-turn-to-facebook-for-cheating-evidence/story-e6frfro0-1225829544067
Written by Barnes about 2 years ago. Reply

I just loved the catchy title you gave your paper and had to read it. I found it interesting how you stated that “Participants are able to use “the online environment to avoid thinking about real life problems,” (Yee, 2007, p.774)”, yet were also discussing how time in second life can lead to real life problems (such as divorce). It leads me to wonder if the real life problems get worse due to them not being addressed and resolved or if it is a case of the time on second life that causes the problems to escalate? Or even a sort of linked downward spiral effect between the two.
As for where you ask if online affairs are really cheating, I think that it depends on the individual relationship and the boundaries within that relationship. A good general rule of thumb could be, if you would not want your partner to know what you are doing; then you have overstepped the boundaries for your own relationship into cheating.
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi,
  
  I agree with both your points, I think hiding and prolonging a problem can make things much worse than if you were to resolve it when the issue first arises. People don’t realise that when they hide in these virtual worlds, it affects the people around them as well. Also, honesty is the best policy. My partner and I are both casual online gamers in our spare time (what we have of it, since we both do uni!), mostly we play together, but we can easily see each other’s screens if we wanted – nothing is a secret. I agree that boundaries need to be set by the people involved in the relationship – you need to know each other’s expectations.
  
  Cheers,
  Carolyn.
Written by HeidiN about 2 years ago. Reply

Hi Carolyn,
A very interesting and thought provoking paper! Makes you rethink the “definition” of cheating. I agree that offline or online cheating are the same. It’s the intention of the person engaging in the cheating that makes it real whether in cyber-space or not.
As noted in your paper by Whitty: “… although there are no physical bodies present online, this, in turn, does not mean that the action is unreal.” In my view this sums up the definition very well.
I think that online cheating doesn’t just occur on virtual games like SL, it’s quite prevalent on SNSs like Facebook and MySpace. The platforms and ease of information access make it effortless to stalk an ex-partner, find your old school mates, and reignite with old flames. This to me is a perfect set up for a dating/social network site. Plus it’s free! A friend of mine had her marriage destroyed by infidelity on Facebook. Call me paranoid but this is one reason I stay away from Facebook.
This news article may be of interest: “Divorce lawyers turn to Facebook for cheating evidence”
Link: http://www.news.com.au/technology/divorce-lawyers-turn-to-facebook-for-cheating-evidence/story-e6frfro0-1225829544067

Your paper is well researched and your argument is strong. Thanks for a great paper!
HeidiN
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Heidi,
  
  An interesting article! I use Facebook, but I am fairly careful with my privacy settings and what I do post. I knew Facebook is sometimes used by prospective employers, but didn’t realise it was now being considered in divorce proceedings.
  
  Thanks for taking the time to comment on my paper.
  
  Cheers,
  Carolyn.
Written by JeremyN about 2 years ago. Reply

This was a really interesting read and really highlights what you hear about people using the internet as a real life escape. I have to agree that online cheating is the same as offline cheating as your mind is in that space. If you are at that point then there are issues with whatever the relationship you are in.

I think a lot of it comes down to addictive behaviour and the craving of attention. The internet allows you to be online 24/7 and in content with people that can provide the constant attention.

I have a friend of mine that is in this situation at the moment where she has used the internet to escape her real life of a husband and 4 kids. She managed to find a man in Canada that she got a long with and used the internet to stay in contact with him as often as possible, in fact more than she would actually spend with her children. This has lead to the break up of her marriage and she is leaving her 4 kids behind to move to Canada to be with this man. It is ok for her as she is happy with this new found ‘life’ however has left behind a husband and 4 kids to deal with not having their wife or mother. I only wonder what will happen if she suddenly gets board with this new life? It is sad to hear, but i think this type of thing happens more than we hear about.

Thanks again for the thought provoking paper!
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Jeremy,
  
  I agree with your thoughts on addictive behaviour and craving of attention! I wish there was more room to explore that view in my paper.
  
  I had an acquaintance whose fiancé left him for a man in the USA who she’d met on World of Warcraft. Fortunately there were no children involved, however when she finally got to America she realised how different his real life persona was from his online representation. She came back to Australia and is now back together with my friend, needless to say they do not play World of Warcraft anymore!
  
  Cheers,
  Carolyn.
Written by janette about 2 years ago. Reply

I enjoyed reading your paper.

I do think that online betrayal may be even more devastating than the offline variety.
Your last sentence really sums it all up.
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Janette,
  
  I’m glad you enjoyed reading my paper! Yes, I agree. If my partner were to have an online affair, I think I would be more devastated than for a purely physical real world affair. Every relationship is different, and I think it’s up to the people involved to set boundaries.
  
  Cheers,
  Carolyn.
Written by jhiroberts about 2 years ago. Reply

Hi Carolyn,

I really enjoyed your paper.

It was very thought provoking.

I have never used SL, I did however go and have a quick look after reading your paper. I can understand why people could find this world enticing and exciting.

I thought your paper was well researched and well presented.

I only have one comment to make. I am not 100% sure about the below sentence in your conclusion

“Second Life, however the MMOSG’s ability to help its residents create a new identity and live a ‘better life as a better you’, as well as the anonymity, convenience and escape can provide the catalyst for an otherwise happy marriage to suffer the betrayal, deceit and uncertainty that comes in the wake of an online affair”

I personally dont thing that SL would be the only catalyst that breaks up an otherwise “Happy Marriage”. I think that SL might be one of many catalysts that cause a partnership to end.

Again great paper.

Cheers

Jhi

http://networkconference.netstudies.org/2010/04/facebook-and-the-demise-of-individual-privacy-%E2%80%93-a-flawed-assumption-or-serial-disregard
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Jhi,
  
  Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my paper.
  
  For your last point, I think it is a matter of perspective. Looking at the case of Amy Taylor and David Pollard, Ms Taylor seemed oblivious to any problems in the marriage, however for Mr Pollard it is reported “it was his wife’s addiction to another fantasy role-playing game that drove him to the other avatar.” (Adams, 2008). Instead of sorting out the issues with the marriage in real life, Mr Pollard escaped to the virtual world for comfort. So yes, even though there obviously were problems in the marriage, to Amy Taylor it was David’s online affair that destroyed her ‘happy marriage’.
  
  Cheers,
  Carolyn.
  
  Adams, W. (2008). UK Couple to Divorce over Affair on Second Life, TIME. Retrieved April 5, 2010, from http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1859231,00.html
Written by Jo Morange about 2 years ago. Reply

Hello Carolyn.

I believe, like everyone said before me, that this is a very interesting topic. For having very “quickly” played on SL, I can imagine how far the pleasure can bring people, when there is basically: no limits. The game GTA (Grand Theft Auto) has, moreover, that same aspect of pleasure and gaming, based on liberty and total freedom of actions. Yet, without this whole aspect of deep relationship…
But it seems evident that those kind of games gather the most important number of people; they are the most popular. The closer the game will be to the real life and the more freedom people will have, the more popular it will be.

I definitely agree with you on your general point of view. When I read your paper, however, lots of things come to my mind, as I never really approach SL the way you did.

For example, I never really thought of SL as a dating site, but more like an online Sims community. And the main question your essay raises, deals with virtual infidelity.

There certainly is a position, that could support the following argument: because through our avatar, we “idealize ourselves” (ME, MYSELF and MY AVATAR), everything is refined and perfected. Everything is fake. We are simply not, on SL, what we are in the real life. Therefore, if two people have a relationship on-line, it is because they fell in love with the other’s avatar characteristics. Chances that they fall in love in real life, as they will not be as “perfect” as they are in Second Life, are consequently reduced.
And the adultery in question would maybe not happen, as both individuals do not recognize or find the qualities and attributes they fell in love with, in the “true other”.

But this topic highlights another problem. Because with virtuality nothing physical occurs, all the “intentions” are compensated with words and emotions.

Virtual infidelity is by definition, confined and restricted to emotions (and feelings). An important question raises when we talk about emotions and feelings though: the question of freedom of thoughts. People have not waited for Second Life, to maybe think about others than who they are marry to. Somehow, virtual cheating could be apparented to a state of mind, not very different from someone’s thought about “doing something” with someone else than his/her partner? Still, there is a step between thinking about something, and concretely doing it (however it is done).

The problematic would then be to find the limits and the boundaries of that reflexion. And to determine on which basis and into what extent “thinking about someone else” could be considered as infidelity. The problem deals with our personnal freedom to think. Because, no one has the right, or even the ability, to control what someone has in mind.
Also, from the point where one of the individuals in the couple starts to look for another experience than the one he/she lives with his/her partner (whether it is on-line or in real life), it means something goes wrong in their relationship anyway. Your chapter about “is virtually cheating really cheating” is interesting to me, and I would have even really like you to go further into the reflexion.

Still, my real point of view on all of this, joins your paper’s direction. Virtual cheating is a real adultery. And today is the digital Era, the Era where boundaries between virtuality and reality are more blurry than ever. So I really appreciated your supportive arguments from Charlie (2009) and Whitty (2005). I think we have to adapt that new Era as faster as possible if we don’t want it to overtake and exceed us. We have to normalise and regulate the use of such online social games.

Talking about gaming, another question can be asked. Is Second Life really a game ? I mean… just a game ?
Apparently, lots of people are on SL for the reasons you explained, and what gathers them is: to escape real life’s problems. Lots of people aren’t playing with SL. They use it as a therapy instrument, even if they don’t especially know it. But the addictive aspect of that universe makes me think it is more the game itself, that “plays” with people. Who are the players, then ?

The ACE model justifies pretty well the motivation for cyber affairs. Great explanations on that one.

As I read your paper, other questions came into my mind.
Like for example, do you think that virtual aspect and concept, could one day become the future of how our relationships will be ? I mean, maybe not a situation such as in Demolition Man (1993), where all physical contacts became only virtual, through machines and computers; but, maybe a situation where the virtual part of the relationship between two persons will be more important than today ?

Virtuality takes more and more place every year in our global life. In the 21st century’s context and background, websites such as Meetic or Aussiematchmaker.com have a great success. Finding someone on Internet will maybe be as normal and random as meeting someone in the street or at a party.

The question about the future of this kind of games is interesting to raise. But it does also raise a lot of questions about how our relationships will evolve, as they have already evolve from what they were a decade ago.

A very good paper, with lots more interesting and important questions/problematics than we could think at first sight. Thank you for that!
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Jo,
  Wow! Thanks for taking the time to write such a thoughtful comment on my paper.
  
  First of all, I agree with your point of view, that Second Life is more like an online Sims community than a dating site, as that was more the developers intention in creating the online world. As discussed in my paper, Second Life is a “virtual role playing world where the role you are playing is fundamentally a glamorized version of real life.” However, I was just focussing on one aspect that Second Life can and has been used for. In the bigger picture, Second Life is certainly not a matchmaking tool, however it is what you decide to make of it.
  
  Your second point on Freedom of Thought actually had me stumped for quite a while – I spent a couple of days discussing this with my friends and family, trying to get other points of view on the subject. However, I believe the difference between Freedom of Thought and virtual infidelity is interaction. I think that Freedom of Thought is more likely to be passing someone in a street and thinking ‘Wow he’s fit, what wouldn’t I like to do to him?’, rather than virtual infidelity where you are engaging with another person online and there is mutual relations.
  
  I think with the way technology is advancing today, that the virtual channel will play a far greater role in relationships today and in the future. Many couples are separated temporarily due to work, family or other commitments, and technology such as phones, email and games such as Second Life are the only means by which they can keep in contact. I think technology is making the separation on couples much easier by having that day to day contact, but I don’t think it can replace the traditional interaction completely.
  
  Cheers,
  Carolyn.
Written by SheilaM about 2 years ago. Reply

Hi Carolyn,
I really enjoyed reading your paper! I do remember reading about the “Second Life” divorce when it happened.

I agree with your comments in the conclusion – “Although the question of virtual unfaithfulness still remains, the betrayal felt after any type of infidelity can be shattering to the innocent party.”

A “virtual” relationship may be virtual in that there is no physical activity taking place, but I imagine the other “real life” partner would still feel betrayed. Personally, I doubt that I would feel betrayed if my real life partner’s avatar was having a virtual sexual relationship with another person’s avatar, however if there was some sort of emotional connection (rather than a sexual connection) between my partner and the other person, that’s where I would feel betrayed.

Sheila
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Sheila,
  
  Thanks for your comments! I think this paper is proving that every relationship is unique – personally, I have no issues with my partner looking at pornographic images or movies, possibly because to me these are very one sided, and there is no connection or communication involved. However, I would be upset if he was engaging in online sexual activity with another person, even if he claimed it was just ‘physical’ (virtually) and no emotion involved.
  
  Cheers,
  Carolyn.
Written by FransiscaMS about 2 years ago. Reply

Hi Carolyn, such interesting topic you have : )

Is it the main goals on second life are more oriented on virtual sex lives? What about your opinion?

Yes, people are able to pursue they dreams virtually through the games, and in the real case life, will you fill satisfied by maintain some goals from this game?
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Fransisca,
  
  Thanks for reading my paper and taking the time to respond.
  
  The main goal for Second Life is basically to be a world created by its residents – users have the ability to model the world around them (well, their avatars) without the real world restrictions. It is a tool to be used for socializing, interacting and having no restrictions on your imagination. Second Life was not created as a sex tool, or even as a matchmaking platform – however it does provide a channel for this sort of interaction. I think the lack of actual ‘goal’ in the game can encourage socialising, which in itself is not a bad thing, however an “ … online affair often begins as friendship and gradually drifts into something more.” (Kerner, 2010)
  
  As an online gamer, I do understand how people would feel a sense of achievement from their actions in a virtual world. However, in a MMORPG, this feeling usually comes after completing a quest or an extremely hard fight. For most people these feelings are short lived as when it comes down to it, it is just a game and the real world awaits.
  
  Cheers,
  Carolyn.
  
  Reference:
  Kerner, I., 2010, An e-motional affair is just a click away, Todayshow.com, Retrieved from http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/35125473/ns/today-today_relationships/ on May 8, 2010.
Written by Keith Law about 2 years ago. Reply

After reading your paper I had my first look at the second life website. I can see the appeal of the graphics and the concept. Mind you I also see it as a waste of time that can be better spent doing something constructive or having a nap.

Again as with a number of papers in this conference we see the addiction aspect of human behaviour. This virtual addictive behaviour erodes zest for real experiences. If I were to cheat on my wife { and I’m not! } I think I would prefer a real person. It is a sad reflection on the boredom of some people’s lives that they even ask the question “IS VIRTUAL CHEATING REALLY CHEATING?”

An interesting and different paper. well done!
- Written by Chris Johnson about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Keith
  Although Keith your personnel opinion your own. It is hardly acceptable conclusive facts that what you say is correct.
  
  As time moves on and the internet becomes more of a part of our everyday lives, those who will progress will be those who participate in online computer mediated conversations.
  
  Those who resist it find themselves locked into a time warp that cannot see outside the box they live in. People find many ways to interact and CMC has provided many avenues for people to connect. To discount Second Life as time wasting show an attitude that is closed to thinking of the past rather than those who has visions of the future.
  
  The trends in social media clearly show that the world has changed. This is the world we are now in. As student of Internet communications I find it hard to see how a fellow student has not grasped social media.
  
  Second life was not appealing to me but I am a Social Media butterfly who has experienced some exceptional advances in my personnel growth through those who I communicate with online.
  
  Your comments are critical of what scholars have written and Carolyn has researched. It is quite evident that millions of people around the globe find attraction to enjoy friendships and relationships online. You could argue the failures; however that has not deterred the growth of Social Media. Without fully understanding the psychology of attraction I would limit entering into why people would engage in online affairs.
  
  Extra marital affairs were not invented by the internet or Second Life. Carolyn paper just highlights a culture within Second Life and how it affects real life relationships. This is important in trying to understand people’s behaviour online.
  
  While you’re having a nap the world is engaging in many aspects of Social Media.
- Written by Hans about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Keith,
  I was encouraged to look at SL by my professional organisation. They promoted SL to the younger generation of accountants as a location that they would use to hold virtual seminars and the like. I enrolled, but found it difficult to find my way around and as a result there is an avatar sitting on a beach in a far away land.
  I am not sure that I can agree with your comment about being a waste of time. I am sure that there is much that can be generated by professional organisations to engage the younger and more computer oriented sections of their societies. I agree that on the surface SL appears to be shallow and a place where one can live a fantasy, but as I said, I am sure that there are professional and commercial aspects that need to be more fully explored.
  
  As with all things it is the extremes that make the press, whereas normal usage may in fact replace television viewing. I would like to see if there is any research into this.
  In my own case I admit to spending many hours a week maintaining my contacts (family and friends both interstate and overseas). I also take part in online chats via ning and skype with fellow students, but I have found that my television watching pattern has altered to compensate.
  
  On the other hand I also spend many hours a week on the saddle of my bicycle. My children and wife see this behaviour as addictive . In some respects many of the actions we as humans take are addictive.
  I suppose some addictions are better than others.
  
  I appreciate your comments as they require us to question our seemingly blind acceptance of all aspects of social media.
  
  Hans
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Keith,
  
  Thanks for your comments! As a gamer, I can somewhat understand the appeal Second Life might have, however agree that the time might be spent in a more constructive way – perhaps tackling any issues in the real world that may be the cause for escape to the virtual world.
  
  I agree with your point, that if you were to cheat you’d rather it be with a real person as opposed to a few pixels on your screen. I think this is perhaps why people ask the question, is virtual cheating really cheating? There is an opinion that since there is no physical interaction, it can’t be considered cheating. However, considering online infidelities are now starting to result in real life divorces, I think it is a worthwhile question that needs to have some set boundaries, and perhaps personal expectations within individual relationships.
  
  Cheers,
  Carolyn.
Written by Marie McCabe about 2 years ago. Reply

As a person who is inexperienced regarding online dating, I found this was a particularly revealing paper Carolyn.
Admirable and thought provoking comments provided by Hans.
Chris’s views on online relationships are considerable.
Informative elaboration by Michael N.
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Marie,
  
  Thanks for taking the time to read my paper. Although my paper focuses on Second Life, I have read many instances of other online channels being used to facilitate online affairs – I even watched a movie about it recently! I think if left unchecked, online infidelity has the potential to become a major issue in relationships today. As shown with the ACE Model for Cybersexual addiction, the internet makes things like cheating so much easier; no travel time, no alibi required, and minimal chance of being caught by a friend or spouse. I think it’s one of those topics where couples have to make clear their expectations of each other from the word go.
  
  Cheers,
  Carolyn.
Written by Hans about 2 years ago. Reply

Carolyn,
Great paper Carolyn,
I had read The Sydney Morning Herald which reported your example of Laura Sky and Dave Balmy in Second Life (14/11/2008). When I first read the article my original view was that this was a game and anything that happened in cyberspace was the realm of make believe, but after researching some more I changed my mind. In order to perpetrate an act of sex or violence or any other action in cyberspace requires a real time conscious effort.
The Guardian (2006) in their Games Blog led with the headline “Are you cheating if you fool around in cyberspace?” with a sub heading of “Is dalliance in the virtual world infidelity in the real one? The answer provided in my view makes a good guiding principle.
”If your partner would be upset by what you’re doing, you’ve violated his or her trust. Whether it’s “cheating” at that point is purely academic. The absence of a physical world doesn’t make that violation of trust any less painful.”

In summary anything that we do in cyberspace usually impacts on our ordinary day to day relationships, if it is not ok in real life then neither is it ok in a cyberworld. If you feel guilty about actions you take in cyberspace, then in reality it is cheating in the real world. Our keyboards are only a tool that we use to create situations; it is our brains that provide the emotion for our actions.
Reference:
Krotoski, A. (2006). Are you cheating if you fool around in cyberspace? The Guardian. Retrieved March, 2009, from http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/gamesblog/2006/may/12/areyoucheatin
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Hans,
  
  Thanks for your comment! I absolutely agree – I was a bit baffled by it all at first but after thinking about it I realised if my partner had an ‘online mistress’ I would be quite upset, which is probably why I wanted to point out that it is an issue, and not to be dismissed.
  
  Cheers,
  Carolyn.
Written by Chris Johnson about 2 years ago. Reply

Carolyn
This is a very interesting topic. I had my nephew speak to me about concerns he partner was having a cyber relationship on Facebook. I could not find any evidence of this as his partner was on my friend list.

I suggest that he concluded this by the fact that he competes against her Facebook friends for time and space.

This adds another dimension to your argument. Do the partner concludes this because of the “player” engrosses them selves in online life at the detriment of the real life connection?. I see others at the conference have written papers on this.

I am a person who believes that online relationships are real and that those who take that relationship to another level needs to decide the if that’s is encroaching on their current relationship.

I have experienced this myself. I need to cool online relationship because it was taking me where I did not want to be.

Unless this is discussed in your real life relationships then the other party may well come to the conclusion the other to be “Cheating”.
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Chris,
  
  Thanks for your comments. This is a difficult topic to debate as every relationship is different, and people have their own standards and expectations of the other party involved. Generally speaking, as discussed with Michael N I believe that if someone is immersing themselves in the online world so much that it is beginning to affect their real life relationships, perhaps it is time to find out what is lacking in the real world that they are trying to make up for in the virtual world.
  
  I think boundaries need to be set as soon as the relationship is comfortable and stable enough for this topic to be discussed (timing is a key issue!), as many people have a different opinion on whether or not cyber relationships are considered cheating.
  
  Carolyn.
Written by Michael N about 2 years ago. Reply

Carolyn, given the word limits and the fact you should not be expected to know a theory or model at a high level, it is interesting that you attempted to describe the ACE model in terms of risk. You did provide an example after describing each one. I am not sure about the link in your arguement between the ACE model and the Laura Skye divorce example. Are you saying that the components of the ACE model were applied in this case? Obviously we only know the public details but it would be interesting to know which part of the model, or all of it, motiviated Amy Tyler to file for divorce. Yes she saw the act on screen which did it.

However, what was reported was why did she hire an online private detective in Second Life? Barmy (2008) gives an amusing short account of this. It is interesting to speculate, why did they keep their online life private from each other if they are in such an intimate relationship? To what lengths would you want to know your partner’s online activities? Your paper certainly leads us to consider more issues in this area and to what level the definition of cheating applies in relationships, especially when the partner never physically engages with the person offline.

Also Young et al’s (2000) paper is good, had a look at that, they suggest ways of dealing with online cheating which are useful to read as they seem to apply ten years on. It can be found also here http://www.netaddiction.com/articles/cyberaffairs.pdf

You have taken a model and explained to guide your arguement so well done on that.

Buchanan, J., Cooper, A., Griffiths-Shelley, E., O’Mara, J., Young, K. (2000), Cybersex and Infidelity Online: Implications for Evaluation and Treatment, Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, 7(10), 59-74.

Winder, D. (2008). Dave Barmy trapped by wife’s virtual dick. iT Wire. Retreived 26 April, 2010, from http://www.itwire.com/business-it-news/networking/21714-dave-barmy-trapped-by-wifes-virtual-dick
- Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
  
  Hi Michael,
  
  Thank you for taking the time to read my paper and provide your thoughts. I think the ACE Model mainly relates to the motivations of the adulterer, not the victim. I mentioned the Dave Barmy / Laura Skye divorce purely as an example of how actions in the virtual world can affect the real world, however looking back now I can see how it relates to the ACE model, especially the Escape component. As David Pollard (2008) commented regarding the state of the relationship before the divorce, “… I suppose that I had been feeling ignored. And I needed some company. In real life, Amy had been spending more and more time at her computer. I begged her once to just leave the computer for an hour and spend her time with me, but she kept looking at her watch and as soon as the hour had passed, she ran past me to log on again.” Perhaps escaped to the world of Second Life where he was an attractive, younger man who wasn’t ignored so easily.
  
  I have read numerous articles regarding the divorce and what I’ve collated from the different stories was that Amy and David had married online (Laura and Dave) but had separate groups of friends. She was out at the shops one day, and when she came home she discovered him with an online prostitute. He begged her forgiveness, but she eventually got suspicious again and then hired the online private detective. The second time he was caught virtually cheating, she was taking a nap. The fact that he tried to hide his actions, would signify that he felt guilty because he knew what he had done was wrong.
  
  Personally, I believe that if you are hiding your actions or not being honest with your partner, then something is definitely not right. I do not think there needs to be physical contact to consider it cheating.
  
  Cheers,
  Carolyn.
  - Written by Michael N about 2 years ago. Reply
    
    Thanks for the reply that does bring up the debate about what was in their relationship that made that happen. If you mean they were hiding their actions or not being honest that is right, but would a partner admit to preferring the computer over the other’s company? How would that person react? Even more to consider is that being honest might be a norm in society, but there are couples that do pursue interests that take them away from the relationship including using chat rooms, games etc. For some the primary relationship is just not enough, I know that sounds not good to many but not everyone views a relationship as the be all and end all.
    
    It is difficult to be impartial when emotional issues such as virtual cheating come up but again it is in the eye of the beholder, some just do not see any issue with their partner chatting away or playing away for hours, some do not even see the downloading of erotic images as a problem, and there are those that have open relationships, but the key is to set a boundary as soon as possible and know the other’s values. Sadly, many find out too late and it is not advisable to be upfront with a person on the first meeting, but sorting these things out as soon as possible is often not done. That’s my observation.
    - Written by CarolynS about 2 years ago. Reply
      
      Hi Michael
      
      My personal opinion is that if you feel the need to look elsewhere for that sort of fulfilment, then there is something wrong in your relationship that needs to be addressed. Of course, not everyone feels the same way so I think it is up to the people in the relationship to set the ground rules and expectations. But as you said, timing is the key. Too early could end the relationship before it has even started, and too late could devastate the relationship.
      
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
      
      Carolyn.

Comment Pages:

Online Conference on Networks and Communities

Second Life: Helping You to be Virtually Unfaithful Since 2003

Comments

Leave a Comment

Categories

Pages

Tags

Latest comments

Meta